Everybody poops. Even man’s best friend. And for the most part, society has come up with a strategy on dealing with it. They created those little plastic baggies that they place strategically around town so its easy to scoop, tie up and dispose of without even getting any on your hands. So naturally, when you see a steaming hot pile on the ground, your first instinct is to wish death upon the owner…and your second instinct is to check your shoes.
But sometimes, it’s really just a case of bad circumstances and not some owner being a narcissistic a-hole. I know because I consider myself to be a respectful, responsible, if slightly insane dog owner…and I’ve found myself in situations where leaving a steaming mound of poop on the ground was the only option. The following are the limited moments where you can in the words of Idina Menzel “Let it Go!”
Ritter Rules for Leaving Dog Poop on the Ground:
Exception 1: Your dog has the runs. Before I had a dog, I could never envision a scenario where I had to clean up canine diarrhea…and now that I have one, I still can’t envision that scenario. A couple of times in my two years as a dog owner, my little Olive has squatted down for what sounded like a number 1 but was really a wet mound of 2. When that happens, I say you just pray for a rainy day to wash it down the drain, because the truth is a little baggie ain’t gonna scoop liquid. All you’ll do is create a larger surface area of poo for someone to step in. Just remember not to feed your dog cookies and cream ever again.
Exception 2: Your dog does their business in the bushes of someone else’s house. Sometimes a dog will do his business on a neighbor’s lawn and it’s absolutely your business to scoop it up, hopefully before anyone sees it. But sometimes your dog makes it into the bushy area in front of a house or apartment, filled with shrubbery. If they do their business there, you usually can’t really see exactly where the turd even is, so there’s really no point in the world’s worst scavenger hunt. Also, it’s usually on some soil and can act as fertilizer. I say you chalk that one up to the environment running it’s course…as you run in the other direction with your pooch.
Exception 3: You’re on a hike. I know some people would argue that you still need to clean it up, but I’m of the mind that off road terrain is the wilderness and the old caveman rules apply there. Both dog and human should freely be able to walk out of public view and drop trow.
Exception 4: You’re extremely late to be somewhere and you don’t have anything resembling bag. Look, we should always have bags on us…and we should always be on time in life, but sometimes things come up that mess up our routine and we find ourselves frantically trying to get to work when our dog decides now is the time to drop the biggest shit of her life. In that situation, you check all your pockets for a napkin or a business card, but if you absolutely have nothing and you wait 30 seconds and nobody walks by who can assist you, you can absolutely chalk that one up to bad luck and peel off before someone grabs your license plate Caveat: You only get one of these accidents per year.
Exception 5: Nobody is looking. JUST KIDDING! Well, sort of…if you have a dog, especially a small one, you know whether I’m kidding or not.
…Did I leave any out? Comment below!